I Knew It! Phelps is Some Kind of Marine Mammal!

In my last post of complete randomness, I mentioned how I was heading back to the pool to work on my swim. I’d never been a good swimmer, and in fact, I’m about as clumsy in water as Michael Kwan is on a Segway or a Scooter. I guess we have something in common…sort of…nah…not really. I’m not that uncoordinated. At any rate, I’m a bad swimmer. So bad, I had to be saved once, and I nearly drowned myself in a kayak…in a swimming pool. After watching Michael Phelps take home more Gold medals than the entire Canadian Olympic Team, I was inspired. On TV, he makes the butterfly and breast stroke look so easy and the freestyle look like a walk in the park. Well, looks are very deceiving.

On my first day out, trying to do my best Michael Phelps imitation, I ended up doing a Michael Kwan Segway imitation: I failed. I was so useless, flailing around in the pool and barely made it to the other end. I I knew in that moment, if I was on a cruise or a boating trip, and the boat sank, I’d be going down with it. I would not go down like that, so I swam harder. After two and a half laps, my body was full of lactic acid and it felt like my chest was going to explode. Maybe I should have had a Phelps breakfast that consisted of a bowl of cereal, three egg sandwhiches, bacon and eggs, and two chocolate chip pancakes to wash it down before heading to the pool.

Today, I had a bacon and egger (as close as I had to the Phelps breakfast at the time) at A&W and swam much better than the day before, but it was still the hardest four laps I’d ever doggied, flailed, something resembling freestyle, swam. There had to be some explanation as to why Michael Phelps can do it without seemingly any effort, while I was killing myself to stay afloat. Then I found this…

It appears that the Onion News Network has unearthed the true reason behind why Phelps is the man that he is: He is not…a man that is.

Shortly after his return from Beijing, his handler, Bob Bowman, coralled “the 6’4″, 200-pound aquatic mammal, and the first ever SeaWorld swimmer to be raised in captivity by foster swimmers (Mark Spitz and Dara Torres)” back to his tank at Sea World. Apparently, in addition to fried egg sandwhiches, he has an even greater love of “Dutch Apple Pie” which Bowman used as bait to get him back into the 5,500 seat stadium known as “Phelps Happy Harbour”.

Although they let Phelps out every four years to play with the US Swim Team, the “World Society for the Conservation of Olympic Swimmers” alleges that he’s not really as happy as he seems. “When he was placed back into his tank, the slightly loose portion of his black swim cap immediately folded over to the right side, a telltale symptom of stress and angst”.

No wonder this guy swims like a Dolphin. He practically is one! However, I now feel sorry for him being all locked up like that. I’m sure that there will be a movie called “Free Phelps” somewhere down the line. I guess I’ll stop pitying myself and go back to flailing like a human being. I must not be doing as bad as I think I am.

You can read more about the Marine Mammal known as Phelps at the Onion News Network. Thanks for the laugh guys!